The hardest part of writing, I have found, is the first sentence. It’s the hardest part for me anyway. Now, since the first two sentences have been formed, I may continue. This blog entry will be random yet ordered, wild yet sophisticated, perhaps clashing with sensibilities but true to my personal experiences.
Perhaps because I’ve been feeling completely random my thoughts, emotions, and daily life have seemed to match. I don’t have just one topic to speak on; instead I’ll be sharing with you visions, dreams, interruptions, revelations, and conversations from the past few weeks. These may or may not proceed in the particular which they occurred but they will all piece together, eventually.
The last I wrote, I was assuring myself that I was still here and still relevant. There was so much chaos and insanity that my mind couldn’t catch up, much less keep up. A few things have changed since then – my son was sick and missed an entire week of school, my husband has had more doctor appointments, my dog has been allowed to reclaim her yard (prowling neighbor dog notwithstanding), and my mind is clearer and more organized.
In the last several weeks I’ve the craziest dreams, some of which have come with interpretation and some without. In dreams I’ve been laden with battling witchcraft, unresolved emotional issues, dormant spiritual gifts, philandering used-to-be-friends, and friends I have yet to meet face-to-face. Because I don’t let go of things easily, especially things I don’t quite understand, all these dreams have entered my waking thoughts many times a day. Added to these are the day-to-day affairs, which have become more and more as of late.
One night I lay in bed and told God, “You’ve got to do something. Whatever it is You do, do it. If You’re still doing stuff, do it now. If You’ve done all You’re going to do then show me how to get it here cause I will not survive a disaster.” I don’t know what God did or said but the next day I began receiving random texts from numbers I didn’t know telling me, “Happy Easter! I bless you and your family!” The small encouragement lifted me enough so that I could say, “Holy Spirit, pray for me.”
One day I was getting out of the shower and I noticed on the shower curtain the distinct figure of a man in battle dress. Yes, it was a water mark but I easily identified the figure. I could see the helmet, the breast-plate, the sheathed sword, the flowing red cape, and the sandals on his feet. When I inquired of the Lord, He said, “Look again.” It was then I could see the man was Jesus and He was wearing the much touted ‘armor of the Lord’. To the right of Him (yes, still water marks on the shower curtain) were several stakes upon which disembodied heads were impaled. This was the work of the enemy; whether they were lost souls or demonic spirits I did not know. Behind Jesus, the lands and skies were burning with every kind of fire. In front of Him was an entire army; the soldiers were disorganized and afraid as they could see the Lord had brought the fire with Him. Seeing the sword in its sheath, I also noticed Jesus’ right hand was grasping the handle, ready to draw it. I asked God, “Why is His sword not drawn? Why is Jesus just standing there, all relaxed, like He doesn’t haven’t a care in the world? His robe isn’t even blowing in the wind! Why is He not running around and fighting?” God answered, “How much energy do you think it takes to speak?” I had no reply…
Yet another day, when I was preoccupied with stuff and things, God interjected, “I Love You.”
“I love you too, Lord.”
“No, I Love You.”
“I know. I love you too, Lord.”
“Shh, I Love You.”
“I know You love me. I love you too.’
“Shh, I LOVE YOU.”
“What are You trying to say that I’m not getting?”
“I LOVE YOU! What do you know of love?”
“Apparently not enough since we’re having this conversation. The Bible states that You are love. I love my husband and my son. They say love covers a multitude of sins. Everyone needs love.”
“Yes. I Love You. I love you if you work miracles, if you heal, if you deliver, if you intercede and I love you if you do not. I Love your husband and your son. I cover all sin. Everyone needs Love. I AM LOVE.” (Excerpt)
I’ve come to realize a lot of the times when I was young and I was accused of daydreaming and not paying attention or spacing-out, I was seeing and hearing things of God. Some things were purely my imagination but not all things. I have said of my son, and others have said as well, he knows things I have not taught him and he knows things well beyond his age. The same things were said of me by some at that age. Holy Spirit is a good and faithful teacher and willingly leads us into Truth.
A few times since December, and again today, I had the distinct feeling that I had woken up. I could see my past and I knew it was over and I was okay and unaffected. I saw myself in the present, sitting on my sofa, and I knew things and circumstances were changing and rearranging for the betterment of myself and my family. And I got a glimpse of the future. I was a different person – active, vocal, known, challenged, and respected. The strange part of this is – it was all happening at once. There was no past, no present, and no future. I could see in and I was in all three realms simultaneously. How does a thing like this happen!? I now recognize it is by and through Holy Spirit but the first time it occurred I was so freaked out I had to message a friend. He said it’s a Prophet-thing and it’s not uncommon. Because of these experiences, I get a very vague sense of what Albert Einstein meant when he stated, “Time does not exist and space is nothing.” (Not a direct quote.)
Now, to all this I say, “Father is faithful at all times, in every circumstance, every day. Period.”
My mind is just beginning to come out of the fog of the last few months…and the last few years before that. Whatever shape my shape has been in though, God has always been a constant. On the days I couldn’t form a coherent thought, He assured me I was sane. When I wanted to cut (self-harm) or to give up, Jesus showed Himself. A couple of times this was in the physical form of my mother, who prayed powerful, anointed, and demon-chasing prayers. On the days I felt I had no one to turn to, Holy Spirit kept me. Sometimes He would call me outside into the majesty and wonder of nature and sometimes into the solitude and peace of my office. Other times He would lead me into real and gritty prayers as I stared at whatever object I could fixate on while anger and depression fumed and smoked.
The cool thing is, even amidst all the weird, wired, strange, random, barely believable, and yet deep, thoughtful, sophisticated, and spiritual stuff, Father’s words to me continue to be “Arise”, “Shine”, and “Fire”. He is purposeful in His calling and He is relentless in His pursuit. I take comfort in the fact I am not left to my own devices even after ‘being saved’. Because the enemy will not give up, because he wants me insane and incapacitated, I’m thankful God will continuously, constantly, and relentlessly pursue me day in and day out.
Let me assure you – Father God pursues you, too. Whether you have received Christ as Lord and Savior, or not, you are not left alone. If you are a Believer who is near or in crisis, Father has taken every necessary measure to get to you. If you are one who has not yet received Christ, you’re being followed. If you don’t wish to be followed, I’m so sorry but Grace and Love will hunt you to the ends of the earth… and I’m cheering Him on because, guess what… even the atheist believes ‘Love Will Find a Way.’
Jeannie B. Wilbourn
Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” (NASB)
Isaiah 60:1 “Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee.” (KJV)
Jeremiah 20:9 “Sometimes I say to myself, “I will forget about him. I will not speak anymore in his name.” But when I say that, his message is like a fire burning inside me! It feels like it is burning deep in my bones! I get tired of trying to hold his message inside. And finally, I am not able to hold it in.” (ERV)